The Eggshell Syndrome in Schools

 

Former FBI Counter Intelligence agent,  Joe Navarro in doing his research for his book, Dangerous Personalities coined a phrase, ‘eggshell relationships’.  “No one calls them "eggshell relationships," but that is what they turn into. Relationships where you have to tread lightly—each day you wake up, you are figuratively having to walk on eggshells because your partner or someone you know behaves or acts all too frequently with a constellation of traits that are simply toxic. So toxic that you have to be ever so careful around them, lest they lash out at you. They do so because they are emotionally unstable.”(1)

This phrase, ‘the eggshell syndrome’, struck a chord with me. Essentially it comes down to who holds all the ‘power’ in the room. 

Most of us have come across an adult or two in our private or work life whose behaviour is such that it makes us delicately work around and avoid confrontation of any sort for fear of an ugly or at least uncomfortable scene.

Unfortunately some children can also cause this ‘eggshell syndrome’ to occur. Anyone who has worked in schools would have seen children who hold so much power it  underminines their potential. Certainly after 45 years teaching and 25 years of being a principal, I have seen this power disparity in quite young children and their dysfunctional relationships with peers and adults not only negatively impacts their life, but that of many others.

 The reasons for this are many and varied. In some cases their parents have simply allowed them to ‘run the roost’ at home to the detriment of the child. These youngsters have been given too much power for such a young age when they don’t have the maturity or life experience to make sound judgement calls. This can become out of control to such a point parents just acquiesce to avoid even more drama. Sadly this of course is just postponing the inevitable and sets the child up for dysfunction ahead.

In other cases the child may have had some early life experiences that have traumatised them. Sadly this anger and grief is always close to the surface and parents and teachers in their desire to be sensitive may allow the child to have more ‘say’ and ‘control’ than they are ready for. 

Other children may unfortunately suffer from ODD. According to the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) is characterized by an ongoing pattern of “uncooperative, defiant, and hostile behavior toward authority figures that seriously interferes with a youngster’s day-to-day functioning.”(2)

Whatever the cause of these children’s behaviour, it hugely impacts classroom dynamics and in far too many situations limits what is possible. Behaviour can include: regularly annoying others, calling out, defiance, manipulation, shifting of blame, seeking arguments, tantrums/outbursts of anger, violence to others and property, creation of unnecessary drama over minor infractions and general pushing of the boundaries. 

The teacher has an extraordinary challenge when dealing with such children and if there is more than one in a class or other children who require considerable 1:1 time, it is downright demoralising and exhausting.

With these dysregulated children, the rest of the class have to tolerate frequent outbursts and quickly learn to avoid the child concerned for their safety or fear of being drawn into this turmoil. Essentially the class, including the teacher, learns to ‘walk on eggshells’ to avoid  any drama. They are all ‘held to ransom’.

 There are many skilful,  committed and wonderful teachers who day in and day out work their magic with these children and call on all their experience to provide the best learning environment possible.

However in too many cases schools do not have appropriate resourcing and teachers can be left isolated and left to deal with some outrageous behaviour. 

 This is a crude analysis of what many NZ schools grapple with every day. Excellent programmes exist such as PB4L (Positive Behaviour for Learning) and resource help from agencies such as the RTLB service (Resource Teachers of Learning and Behaviour) are available. Most schools employ teacher aides (TAs) to work with some of these dysregulated children but the funding is extremely limited. More often than not, schools significantly trim other important school resources from their budget  to provide some TA support for classrooms who have these very needy children. 

However the support from all these approaches is so limited some classroom teachers face burn out and many children’s education is compromised by the disruption caused by these dysregulated children. Words such as ‘equity’, ‘inclusion’, ‘wellbeing’ are just weasel words unless we respond to the needs of these ‘eggshell’ children with comprehensive support.

I emphasise that no blame is being attached to any child with what I have written. It is an adult created issue. The situation will not be solved solely by the education system but a multi-faceted approach involving all social agencies and a united vision.

This blog entry is not the place to unpack this very complex situation. I do want to acknowledge the goodwill and intent of our current government. However, it is time for some fresh thinking from the ‘coalface’ up. The information has been gathered by various robust means such as the relatively recent Bali Hague led ‘Task Force’ report. Principal groups have been very vocal about their concerns for our NZ teachers and student achievement related to this lack of learning and behaviour support in schools. Added to the problem is the fact that too many of our 5 year olds coming into schools are developmentally very young and far too many have behavioural and/or processing issues. There seems to be a real disconnect with what is the reality of day to day  schoollife (‘coalface’)and the powers that be who are making strategic funding decisions.

Although it may seem simplistic, in my view this situation can be significantly helped by a few ‘silver bullets’. This view comes from my own ‘chalkface’ experience, significant reading on the matter and talking with a wide range of education leaders. The major ‘silver bullet’ and plea is to prioritise the education spend on what we know works and that is having ‘people on the ground’ in schools supporting learning and behaviour. We can apply ‘sticking plasters’ (RTLB **etc visits) or tinker with this and that, but the stark reality is you just can’t replace real time support. If we can meaningfully support children’s social, emotional and foundational skills in the early years of a child’s development, then they are set up for life.

It is not right for any teachers or children to be fearful each day because of a child or children who create ‘the eggshell syndrome’ effect on the class. They need support and uninterupted time with the class to get on with teaching and learning. 

We have a chance to be transformational but if we continue with the same approach we have now, many vulnerable children will languish and the next level up will underperform.

Warren Owen

1. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/spycatcher/201601/eggshell-relationships

2. https://www.nymetroparents.com/article/Walking-on-Eggshells-Oppositional-Children-and-Mental-Health

** No criticism of the RTLB service as there are many fine educators doing a wonderful job but their offering is so limited by resourcing. 

The Similarity between Children and Bamboo

 

After a lifetime of teaching and over 25 years of being a principal, I am starting a new chapter of my life. I am

not sure what this will look like, but it will involve education. I hope to continue my blog.

Some years ago I drafted a similar message to what is below. It summarises so much of what I have observed

and passionately believe. I hope you enjoy it.

Famously, bamboo plants don’t produce a single green shoot for five years but spring up 27 metres high in less than two months! The question commonly asked is whether the plant grows 27 metres in less than two months, or 27 metres in five years? (2)

In 1958, then-Headmaster at Wellesley College, William Stevens, presented his annual prize giving address.  His gammy leg caused him to limp and thus he earned the nickname, Hoppy. Hoppy Stevens developed legendary status with the boys as someone you didn’t mess with.

 Later that afternoon, one of the boys managed to pinch Hoppy’s speech. Many years later, at a Wellesley

Old Boys’ function, that same student passed Hoppy’s 1958 speech onto me.  Let me share a little of it with you:

Ladies and Gentlemen

Parents and teachers of today appear to be mainly concerned with two subjects-the ‘Playway’ approach to education and Juvenile delinquency.   The new freedom of the welfare state has made children increasingly difficult to control, both at home and in school. They talk more, they shout more, they cannot play unless games are organized, they are more destructive,--and what is more, many appear to take pleasure in destruction. The majority of children today are not being encouraged to do their best. They are over conscious of their rights and ignorant of their duties.”  And so, the speech went on.

Well how often do we hear this call of “the youth of today”--- Way back in time-- 700BC –the Greek poet, Hesiod said: “I see no hope for the future of our people if they are dependent on the youth of today, for certainly all youth are reckless beyond words—when I was a boy we were taught to be discreet and respectful of elders, but the present youth are exceedingly unwise and impatient.”     

So, what have we learnt through all these historical sermons? Possibly that nothing much changes and that the enthusiasm and spontaneity of youth combined with their inherent egocentricity drives us all crazy at times. Young children have always tested their teachers and parents. Throw in the increasing complexity of society with the added pressures of social media and at times we all sigh. However, there are some truisms that remain constant.

At age five, children come to school with very clear lenses. That is, they filter very little from what comes into their head. They will blurt out just what they are thinking and dreaming. Their writing is truly their personal voice. Their art can be awesomely beautiful and expressive. Their dance, creative and free! Children are willing to freely express themselves. So, what traditionally happens at school that dries up so much of this personal expression? Where do all those filters come from that inhibit most adults’ ability to express themselves? How often do we as adults alter our original thoughts before we allow the world to view or hear them?

How do you marry the need to maintain high standards in education, guarantee strong standards of respectful behaviour and yet foster children’s individuality and creativity? Well in my humble opinion we, parents and teachers alike must consistently look to meaningfully build children’s self-esteem. Having good self-esteem frees up creativity and fosters individuality. 

Self-esteem is not about praising mediocrity. 

Self-esteem grows from recognition of personal effort and achievement.  The curriculum must be presented in a relevant and meaningful way which engages the students.

Self-esteem and self-worth are closely connected with respect; respect for self and respect for others. It is also tied up with self-discipline and managing impulsivity. And, of course, self-esteem is inextricably linked with interpersonal relationships and related social skills.

The two biggest mistakes we can make as educators and you can make as parents are to:

Solve children’s problems rather than give them a chance to overcome problems themselves.  Life is uncomfortable sometimes and we have to learn how to manage these times. The best thing we can do is be supportive and teach strategies that encourage persistence and resilience for these tough times. Otherwise, these become the overprotected children –spoiled, lacking confidence, avoiding new challenges, helpless.

Allow children to be a victim, blaming others for their actions or lack of action. We must ‘hang tough’ – be fair, positive, and human but insist on their responsibilities being met and placing natural consequences in place if they are not.  This fosters commitment, tenacity, and perseverance which in turn fosters achievement which is fundamental to self-worth. 

It is a fine line we as parents and educators walk between developing real independence and not placing too much responsibility on children. But if we can maintain this balance calmly and respectfully the modelling is incredibly powerful.  We live in a wonderful country with an outstanding future. Somehow, together, we must walk the tight-rope of fostering children’s individuality and creativity and inculcate core community values that will ensure they are caring and giving citizens who are proud to work hard and play hard for their country.

Parental support is crucial to children’s happiness now and as an adult. Each child is different, and this individuality is to be celebrated. With unwavering support and patience most children will achieve success and happiness.  We must take the medium to long view and be consistent. 

After saying all this, it would be incredibly naïve and disrespectful of me not to acknowledge that through no fault of their own, many families are dealing with generations of cultural and social challenges that have pulled hope out from their hearts and all that is possible is a day-to-day existence. I get that and this is society’s biggest challenge.

My message here is a broader one though, and the old cry of ‘the youth of today’ isn’t helpful. What we must be careful of is putting a negative spin on the vitality of youth. Somehow, we have to use this energy and creativity in constructive ways. Passion and laughter in life are so important.

Our young bamboo might not show instant growth but be supportive and patient and you will reap a bountiful harvest.

1. Picture acknowledgement: https://unsplash.com/s/photos/bamboo

2. Dick F (1992) p186   Abington Press

Leadership without ego!

Recently a friend shared Daniel Yankelovich’s (1) thinking around the differences between  ‘debate v dialogue’. Dialogue of course pre-supposes an open mind and a willingness to listen, share thoughts and ideas. Debate on the other hand brings a winner and a loser. It is combative and the participants’ aim is to win the argument and seek to prove the other person wrong. In essence there is an assumption that there is a right answer and you have it.

The political landscape is full of classic examples of destructive and combative position taking. Donald Trump’s legacy of course is one of a combative leader, dividing a nation. Even here in NZ we have seen the various competing styles of leadership with our relatively recent elections. Judith Collins showed her willingness to slug it out versus a more conciliatory approach taken by Jacinda Adhern. Whatever your politics, the comparison of styles was stark.

The combative style of leadership is usually marked with subtle or not so subtle ‘front foot’ approach aiming to put down any opinion that doesn’t support one’s own viewpoint and personal positional power status.

Being human, we are all are vulnerable to taking a position and being so swept up with our emotions that we may not actively listen to others' views. All humans are egocentric to some degree or another, but the bigger the ego, the more unlikely the best outcome will be achieved. 

This is particularly true if whatever is on the table for discussion has personal implications. A very common situation is when we are challenged to change how we have done something for years which will require work and often stepping outside our 'comfort zone'.

One of the great downsides of needing to be right is the very negative outcome of feeling disenfranchised when we don’t get what we want as an outcome. It is more powerful and uplifting to acknowledge that many people have pieces of the answer and that together a solution can be crafted and owned by all.

Of course there are some leadership situations where you do not have the luxury of discussing the merits of the various points if view. Take for example the battle ground of war where leaders have to quickly asses the situation, make a decision and act. Another obvious one is in an emergency where life and limb is at stake such as with an aircraft issue. The pilot has no choice but to quickly call upon all his or her expertise to save the day.

However usually in people’s personal life and work life, there is time to have meaningful dialogue to get to the best solution of whatever challenge is pitched at us. Certainly in a school situation leaders’ success or failure will usually come down to relationships where trust is cemented. When stakeholders are ‘sincerely ‘heard’ and feel they have a voice without fear of retribution, trust is quickly built and meaningful dialogue can take place. 

Leadership is not a science but an art involving a delicate mix of expertise, consultation, integrity and ethical action. Of course leaders have to make the final call on issues as ‘the buck stops’ with them. No matter how much dialogue takes place, we all get it wrong from time to time. However if the leader has engaged in sincere dialogue, called on expert other opinion as needed, made the final call based on this and they ‘stuff up’, then due process has taken place. 

The ‘ethic’ of dialogue’ bonds any team and has the potential to unify a country. The problem is the 3 year political election term gets in the way but that is another story!

1.  Debate versus Dialogue From “The Magic of Dialogue” by Daniel Yankelovich, 1999)

2. Heading Quote: Pinterest (Seth Godwin)

 

 

To Know Them is to Love Them

 

At a recent staff day, I shared some thoughts about the influence teachers have on our students each and every day. I say teachers, but this of course extends to all staff in schools.

The reality is a teacher’s legacy is more than the explicit curriculum taught but also the ‘hidden curriculum’.

The ‘hidden curriculum' is a side effect of schooling, "[lessons] which are learned but not openly intended" such as the transmission of norms, values, and beliefs conveyed in the classroom and the social environment. (1)

As we all know, it isn’t what we say that is important but what we do! Are we true to our words!

This ‘hidden curriculum’ is incredibly powerful as a teacher’s influence is won and lost by whether they ‘walk the

talk’ of the school’s culture, vision and values.

This is a huge topic but I mention it only to lead into a critical subset of the day to day influence a teacher has.

From an early age, children see whether their teacher really cares about them and the educative / leverage power

of the classroom’s activities depends on the child’s perception of this. You can’t fool them. 

This isn’t about bowing to individual children’s whims but just being fair and consistent with the values that are

espoused.

Children want to know they are truly cared for and the teacher has taken the time to really try and understand the

individual’s needs and that their individual culture is valued and respected. ‘To know them is to love them’. This is

a cliché but there is so much truth in it. 

Most people, young and old, believe that if others took time to get to know them, they would understand who they

are and why they behave like they do. Children notice when teachers go out of their way to know them and works

hard to use this knowledge to build their learning power. Equally so they also notice if their teacher allows them

to regularly work in cruise mode (low expectations) or is tardy with their own time management and organisation.

The simple message is, as educators we must never under-estimate our influence. Without overstating this,

teachers have the opportunity to help transform children’s self-esteem so they can go on to chase their dreams.

We need to ‘drill down’ into why individual children are not coping with the curriculum or with social interaction.

Teaching is about constant ‘wondering’ and ‘inquiring’ and searching for a way to help.  The more we know about

our children the greater our opportunity to connect, intervene and help transform lives.

This poem by C W Morris captures the reality of classroom life.

Teaching Dreams 

Some nights

students return to me

like salmon to their spawning bed.

They shake my hand

and sit across from me

and tell me what they have done

what they will soon be doing.

I remember their names

and just where each one sat

in my classroom.

Still, when they tell me

what they learned,

it’s not what I remember teaching.

This poem isn’t suggesting the curriculum hasn’t been taught and learnt but children take so much more out of the day to day classroom and school interactions. 

Young people often can go through school in a blur, feeling it’s their fault that they struggle with school and they

are just not good enough. Some of these people later find their passion and go on to lead very constructive lives

but unfortunately some do not. It is not a perfect world and never will be. Teaching is an incredibly challenging

role and I am truly humbled by the amazing effort the vast majority put in. We can’t be all things to all people,

but we can choose to focus on what is most important. 

Fundamentally we need to have the desire to really know the children in our care and ‘walk our talk’ in support of

them because once that trust is built (or lost), all else will follow.

1. Wikipedia

2. Picture by Annie Hayward